HARD CONVERSATIONS FROM A NOBODY

November 12, 2015

I often wonder why I write and publish my thoughts, even though I know that the only people who actually read them could be counted by the fingers of just one of my hands.  Why am I so worked up over the little things that I see in people when I myself (my attitudes, beliefs, philosophies and principles) am still a work in progress?  I guess I just feel uncomfortable keeping my thoughts to myself.

Almost everybody who knows me would agree that I am a very vocal person.  When I was little, I used to be an introvert.  But I was very curious too.  And even then, I was really observant, analytical and a deep thinker, with a habit of speaking sarcastically and bluntly, so that my mom’s friends and my playmates used to say that I was a bit strange (bordering on weird and quirky and almost paranoid).  I make friends quite easily, but it takes me quite a while to really trust somebody and open my heart and mind to them. 

Even now, though people say that I am candid and frank, and I do get to show my emotions quite spontaneously, but I am actually still keeping a deep cave inside of me to store up all my irritations and exasperations, my sorrows and pain, all my hurts, disappointments and resentments.  I actually distil all these emotions inside because I know that life is too short, I do not want to waste my time on useless anger and flatteries, and I want to only speak and act what I think is most appropriate for any given situation and to the right person.  And I try to do it every time so that it becomes a part of me, and comes out natural and authentic. (But in many instances though, when I feel like it, all the joy and happiness inside of me actually come out from every pore of my body, turning me red all over like a cooked shrimp, crab or lobster, which mom said were her favourite cravings when she was pregnant with me). 

I admit that many times I am hard-hitting, and to those who are actually offended, you have my sincerest apologies.  I know I actually do not have a right to question how people live their lives, how they do their work, how they manage their resources and relationships with others.  This is me, a nobody on the sidelines of life, butting into your affairs.  But you can just choose to ignore me all you want, and we would all feel better for it.  I just pray that in the end, we would all get what we want from life, and become better persons in the process.

I know that it is difficult and unseemly to be a modern-day prophet of doom and damnation, but in the interest of not keeping still when I see an injustice or unfairness or a falsity in others whom I am concerned with, just hear me out when I speak harshly, yet truthfully.  After all, when I am done with this life, that is just exactly what I want to leave to the world.  I may be financially poor, not good at communicating and updating with friends, and not too gentle, nice and kind, but believe my heart when I say that I may hurt you with my words, I may kill your ego with my speech, but this nobody only wants to learn with you that life could be better, that there is more to it if we just open our minds a little and our hearts a lot to the needs and dreams of each other.